Some people

call me smart. From time to time this happens but the irony of it all is that they all have more money than I. And their lives are somewhat orderly and coherent while mine is a mess noone dares enter anymore. Not even I.

Denial keeps me afloat, but hey -who am I to bash denial, it works for 3 billion people on a daily basis(a conservative estimate).

I'm going to Sweden on monday, I'm going to be a driver for some people on business. It's food, lodging and some change to get drunk on so I'm happy. Be spending a week doing that. For awhile there was a certain slim chance I would be hired as a videographer to document this great adventure but the budget fell through, like it always does. It'll be boring so I'll document it anyway in Craporama - Svenvision, as I've started to call my videocamera after all the buttons fell off in the states.

So what is smart?

IQ is a measure of ones ability to recognise patterns, a useful ability. I read somewhere that the person in the world with the highest measured IQ lives in a trailer and makes his money being a bouncer in a bar. Is he smart?

Or is he a loser, am I a loser? Looooooser!

So I might be able to recognise patterns better than some other people, where does that leave me? Employers certainly aren't interested, if I tell them that I'll learn their system in a day they don't believe me. I don't know what to say. Something smart?

While I'm in Sweden my parents will come visiting. They'll use my humble abode as a platform to go out there and find themselves an apartment in Oslo.

In theory I could move in there but in reality I can't.

One, it's pathetic -I'm 31.

Two, it wouldn't work anyway -I'm extremely antagonistic and generally unpleasant to be around. Last time they were here was an unmitigated disaster, and that was like two weeks or something.

So no.

No free house in Oslo for me.

On may first we'll be moving out of this house. What remains of my credit will be used to cover the expenses. So on may second all my accounts will read red or zero, and I won't have a house to live in. I'll be able to store my stuff around here and there so that's okay -ain't much anyway. No furniture, a suitcase of clothes, audio equipment, two suitcases of paper(ideas, scripts and so on -it weighs a fucking ton).

The only viable solution is to go to my home in the north and live off the state. It's what everybody do there(no jobs) so they won't bother me with awkard questions.

Since january I've been trying to get myself a job but I struggle with honesty. I'm honest quite often and it doesn't look very good in neither an application or an interview. You're supposed to lie about your persona people tell me, I'm a terrible liar.

And that old dogma keep biting; if I don't believe in myself noone else will, and surprise -I don't believe in myself. I got nothing to show.

So it's not going very well and I've basically given it up. There is ofcourse the possibility of getting state money also in Oslo but they're not really worth anything there due to the rampant inflation the last decade in the real estate market. The whole thing is a fraud ofcourse but that doesn't change it from being reality. And besides, I'm not really getting through to the public offices here -you're supposed to treat them like an employer and be serious and all but I'm not really capable of that.

My capacities in general have dwindled the last years. I'm basically afraid of people, especially people with power/money, nothing intimidates me more. It reminds that my life is being a pawn on their chessboard and it deppresses me so I go and sulk instead of catching the bull by the horn and get on with my god damn life.

It is true that noone can help me. My problems are mine to solve.

I'm just not doing it. Instead I watch old comedies on video and play old comedic computer games(noone seems to make neither anymore -guess the world sucks to much to laugh in). Just played through Sam and Max twice. Gorgeous. All hail SCUMM.

Occacionally, like now, I take one good look at myself. I reaffirm my problems in hope of something I missed. Some loophole that will allow me to get away with it.

I could ofcourse list my strengts as well as weaknesses, but there's nothing wrong with my strengths -they contain no problems to solve. The stuff I'm good at I'm just plain good at -there's nothing more to it. At heart I'm an infra-structuralist. I'm really good at it. While I worked in the norwegian mail I nagged my boss for years to get me into that department. The mail does really alot of infra-structure, it's what they are basically. But no. I guess I wasn't forceful enough. I'm also shy.

Another point about my strengths is that I possess not a single paper that says I have any. People will just have to believe me. Or not. I guess trust is out.

I saw Broken Flowers, Jim Jarmuschs latest movie yesterday. He too seems really annoyed with it all. It's worth watching for the airplane scenes alone, some of the finest film-making I've seen since Hal Hartleys No Such Thing.

So beautiful colors.

Hollywood has given up onn colours and are making black and white movies again. What? It's true, they call it desaturation, monochromatization. Look at any big budget movie of late and think about it. It takes talent to work with colours, they are so powerful the less talented shun away -in fear of stating the opposite of what they're trying to state.

Mr. B taught me alot about colours -to the point where I feel confident enough to use them. I have an intuition.

fuck me

b