I'm not

gonna make it.
Been reviwing my finances. They've collapsed about a month ago, though I'm getting some work it's not enough. Some of it is big though -on local standards, I'll be doing a decoration for local rock-club Rockefeller, two wall-sized pictures for the entrance which will be permanent. They're supposed to go up on sunday and the final design is still being perfected, we'll do trials with a projector tomorrow.
Fun.
But not enough.

The awful truth is still sinking in.

Sinking.

Old and busted, yesterdays news, keep seeing old ideas in other peoples movies, they haven't gotten to the new ideas yet but they will -in ten years or so. And I'll never be part of it. A generator of memes. I recently saw a word I coined a decade ago in a newspaper headline describing a BMW(an automobile). Though it is impossible to tell wether I brought this word into existence the probability is high. I feel pride. And annoyance. Much as I feel whenever I watch a movie expressing some of my ideas.
What has kept me alive up until now has been the realisation that they don't get the totality. That all those nifty little effects are there just to express a total view, used in separation they become just that -cool effects. Used with a purpose they can encompass humanity. This I can do.

But I probably never will. A sense of despair and desperation, like a drowning man realising he isn't dead yet, but only a miracle can intervene. So I plunge on with all the energy I can muster; I'll make them a great picture for that wall. It'll be like Hopper on acid. Solitude, expressed through city panoramas, filled to the brim with emptiness. Lose myself, in every city I've ever been to. So many places, so many hands needin' work, so much talent blowing in the wind. The human race a collection of golden dots flying through the void. An island. I behold it and it is beautiful.

b