People buy me

dinner, alcohol, drugs.

I sit looking around the table. Our faces are weathered, lived in, unbeautiful.
The restaurant is in the deep west end. People here are smooth, their hairstyles and clothing slick, I am somewhat amused by it. We form a rather stark contrast.

I am also torn between despair and amusement as I assist people in spending really lots of money, that's the rent -I think. There goes the phone-bill, we just got the latest electricity bill and I haven't dared look at it.

I don't know what to do. I've actually seriously tried to get a job but my nature works against me.

So, I cruise around, waiting for something to happen. I try to be funny but an edge of bitterness keep seeping through, colouring the most mundane of sentences -providing that dark edgy look that television producers love.

I fight it but loose. I get pulled over by the cops for speeding. They fine me NOK6500 -which is $1000 at the going rate, I almost laugh in their faces, although the police-girl is cute. I consider trying for a sympathy trip but no, don't have neither the will nor the energy, I consider asking for her phone-number even though I know it would be doomed anyway -no energy for that either. Something in me is suddenly exhausted, I make jokes all the way to town. I keep making unsellable movies and videos, I write yet another feature film no one will ever see. As I get into the thick of logistics I stop, I mean why bother, why finish this sketch for that is all a script is.

I don't know what to do.

I build a fabulous PC for a friend and put doom3 on it, the pc is hip and just runs it all -settings to the max. It looks good, never seen doom3 the way it's meant to be seen. An AMD xp3200 and a geforce 6600GT. It rocks.

I also install windows media center, which is just maturing these days. It's actually very good at what it does, I might write more on it later.

Meanwhile I've made several breakthroughs in lightwave, my 3d software of choice.
One which means I can make an image I've had an idea for for years, unfortunately the process is going to require more than a terabyte of temp files and just isn't feasible right now. I've figured out I only need half that if I segment the process, but it still is... complex, still working on a logistical solution. I can really only spare 200gb for temp so... -for not to mention the rendering times involved(my CPU is old, OLD!.

Anyway, all the effort would produce yet another unsellable video, so why bother.

Yes, yes dear, don't be bitter.

b